I remember for so long I was searching for an elusive high. The magic pill that would somehow make me feel at one with the divine. It would be so intense that through it I might refind my shine that I had lost somewhere long ago in the midst of betrayal and self delusion.
It was all I could think about. It was my mission, my quest and the more I searched the more out of reach it became. The more I tried the less I felt. I thought this divinity those God like heights of consciousness could only be reached through a chemical ecstasy but all I found was nothingness.
I remember the fear that would prevail at the end of a session when all were fading and I realised that the end was nigh. The pangs of anxiety in my chest the breathing becoming heavier. Now I had to push harder than ever for if I was to become submissive to the session and end it like a good girl, I may have to lay my head on the pillow with the realisation of the reality of my life coming into frame and I would have to face my greatest fear. That of self betrayal.
The mornings after the nights before were filled with horror. Increased debt financial, spiritual and emotional. Guilt and shame, the realisation that I had lost who I was, was totally misaligned and had no clue how to get out other than to perpetuate this pattern of peril that was embedded so deeply. This was not an option. I would be the last man standing and the last man falling and I was. But had I not fallen so far down I might not have called forth such an acute desire to rise so high.
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I never found that magic pill but I did eventually find my magic as soon as I stopped searching for it. When I started valuing myself and remembering who I was I found my happy within and worked out how to cultivate it naturally. What you think and what you feel is always a match so make it your mission to align your thoughts with that which you desire and watch the miracles unfold. Manifesting a life of your dreams through sheer vision, commitment to the work and determination to only better yourself is way better than any super pill du jour.